When Supporting Survivors
As a friend, as a peer, as just someone who's there.
You are so amazing for supporting the survivor(s) in your life! Some people can do so without much need for support, while others need support. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, we are here for you. Your wellbeing matters. Stories can be very heavy, we all need support sometimes.
Also, while it is great you are wanting to best support the survivor(s) in your life, you are (most likely) not a professional, and you can listen to them and support them but you have limits and you may want to encourage them to seek professional help.
Something to keep in mind
Whether you are very close to the survivor or not, we know you might feel a sense of responsibility or want to help in every single possible way you can, and that's amazing. However, we also encourage you to help them in a sustainable way. You want to be able to help them for the long run. This might mean contemplating boundaries in terms of time or understanding, as mentioned before, that you are not their therapist and have your limits in terms of how you can help. Be there for them, be their friend, but don't be their therapist.
We understand feeling like you want to fix all of the bad, and it is not your job to. We must be there for our survivors in every way we can, but their healing will come from them. Help them in a sustainable way. Your wellbeing is also of concern.
Guide to Support
P4C's Biggest Tips on Helping a Friend
Validation
Validating anybody who comes to you about a sensitive topic is of the utmost importance. Stress the fact that you believe them, no matter how they appear to be coping. Avoid asking if they are sure, asking them for their reasoning, or trying to justify the perpetrator in any way. Also make clear to them that what happened is not their fault.
Recognize their Bravery
Keep in mind that it takes a lot of strength and courage for a survivor to talk about what they have gone through: they are showing so much bravery and trust by talking to you! Thank them for confiding in you, and make sure you pay full attention to them and make them feel safe talking to you. If they told you to keep it confidential, be sure to stick to your word and keep it confidential. Also be patient with the survivor, don’t rush them into sharing something with you.
Keep Checking In
The healing journey is long. No matter how little the survivor shows the effects of their trauma outwardly, they will continue to feel the effects of the assault or harassment. For this reason, you need to continue to check in on them periodically. That being said, we can’t recommend a specific schedule/timeframe: every survivor will want to talk a different amount. You know them best; check in as frequently as you think they need it. Use your discretion, but keep in mind that you should be there for the long run.
You aren’t responsible to fix this
As hard as it is to accept, survivors have already gone through trauma that you cannot undo. You will not be able to erase that nor will you be able to heal for them. The most you can do is support them, allow them to confide in you and lean on you when they need to, and recommend them to resources. DO NOT feel guilty or inadequate if they still struggle after you support them. But most importantly, do not treat them like you can fix them. Sometimes, survivors just need you to listen and support them: sometimes, it’s not best to propose solutions. For many survivors, this can feel like oversimplification, especially if you have not experienced sexual assault. It is so hard: we know you want to help, but sometimes the best way to help is listen. If it is hard for you to understand what the survivor needs from you, do not be afraid to ask. If they come to you, feel free to say, “Are you looking to vent, for support, or for help?”
Don’t bring it up for them
If the survivor doesn’t bring up their experience themselves, we recommend that you do not bring it up for them. They might not be in the space to discuss something that is so vulnerable. Also, they may be in a headspace where this is triggering. If they are far enough in their healing journey, they might be open to this, however, it is important that they have communicated to you that they are comfortable with you bringing it up.
Take care of yourself
This is a lot to carry. Supporting someone in their recovery is one of the most taxing responsibilities because it requires so much empathy and communication. Take care of yourself! Reach out to your own support system, but be sure to respect the survivor’s confidentiality.
When do you get authorities involved?
If the survivor is in danger and/or in need of immediate medical care, please call 911.
You can also contact and adult/mandated reporter who can help you.
We know some survivors might be adamant about not calling the police, but if they are truly in danger and/or in need of immediate medical care, we strongly encourage you to call 911.
We also strongly encourage you to get an adult/ mandated reporter involved. You do not need to do this on your own, especially if you are a minor.